With the current season drawing to a close and only two more seasons remaining, many fans are wondering how HBO’s Game of Thrones can possibly tie up all loose ends. Particularly now that the series is beyond much of what has been written in George R. R. Martin’s sprawling novels, questions about particular plot points abound. Luckily, thanks to unprecedented access to several disgruntled writing interns and a number of highly illegal enhanced interrogation techniques, the following spoilers have been obtained.
- Ned Stark is finally revealed to be the distant ancestor of Tony Stark, thus completing Disney’s “stage five” plan for the ultimate Marvel Universe crossover.
- George R. R. Martin makes a fourth-wall-breaking cameo appearance and explains that it is no coincidence that Bran is named after the world’s most boring food.
- Ramsey Bolton finally hits the sociopathic tipping point and flays himself alive by the flickering light of a pile of burning babies.
- Jorah the Andal is able to cure himself using Proactiv.
- Theon Greyjoy never rules the Iron Isles, but through an obscure turn of parliamentary procedure his severed penis is briefly named Hand of the King.
- Tyrion Lannister becomes the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms after developing a primitive, scroll-based version of Tinder.
- Jon Snow is murdered eighteen more times.
- Gendry eventually rows around the world, returning to the same harbor where he set sail to begin with, but no one remembers him or cares.
- Actually, a man does have a name, and it is Pete.
- Daenerys Targaryen finally acquires enough money to build a fleet to take her army to Westeros, but instead spends her fortune developing clothes that don’t burn when she incinerates those around her.
- Cersei Lannister finally meets the only opponent able to defeat her, Franzia.
- Jaime Lannister loses his other hand, both feet, and, as a result of blood magic gone wrong, his right knee. However, he somehow retains his lower leg, thus changing his nickname from “Kingslayer” to “The Unjoined”.
- Due to a time travel paradox, Hodor continues being ripped apart by White Walkers for the entire final two seasons. His death takes over 280 minutes of screen time.
- Brienne and Tormund finally consummate their unspoken love and destroy The Wall in the process.
- Bran uses his abilities to travel back in time to view his own memories and to control animals to essentially create the first cat video.
- After several seasons, the Lannisters discover the High Sparrow is just an old guy in a dirty nightshirt and kill him the way they’ve killed everyone else previously.
- After being wronged by so many men, Sansa Stark finally finds relief by channeling her pain into a visual album.
- Winter never, ever comes.